


where are you now

by ghoulwheeze (trek_locked)



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, I swear it ends up ok, M/M, Post-Break Up, Sadness, Shane is lonely, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-21 18:20:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14290656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trek_locked/pseuds/ghoulwheeze
Summary: Only 67 days and 13 hours since Ryan broke up with him.Counting from the last time he'd felt something was the only way Shane even knew how to function.





	where are you now

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by: Where Are You Now (Mumford & Sons)  
> Thanks to my awesome betas, @satisfyingbliss and @ActualBuckyBarnes , and the entirety of the bfu writing discord.

It had been months since Shane had last felt tethered to something. Feeling adrift and lost in an unending sea of harsh reality was simply second nature at this point.

Only 67 days and 13 hours since Ryan broke up with him.

Counting from the last time he’d felt something was the only way Shane even knew how to function.

It existed as this numbness that sat in his stomach and slowly crept into his heart. He didn’t think it was the same for his best friend, boyfriend, lover, now ex. Ryan seemed to be totally fine. For a few days, he’d looked not as bright as his usual self, but that had quickly passed.

Now, he seemed to shine more than ever. Almost more than when he had told Shane he’d loved him.

That was the worst part. That maybe Ryan never loved him as much as Shane had. That Shane had given his everything to their relationship. Given too much. Too much to ever recover.

Slow and steady wins the race is what they always told you as a kid. But Shane jumped into loving Ryan Bergara with his whole mind, body, and soul, and now the hare was paying the price.

Shane didn’t really think anyone noticed. At Buzzfeed, he had friends. People he talked to, made videos with, threw grins at when they crossed paths. But he wasn’t close enough to anyone to hang out at the bar, see a movie, invite to hang out at his apartment. Ryan was the only one he’d been close enough to do all that with. And now he was gone.

Everyone at Buzzfeed loved Ryan, though. Every day it seemed a never-ending stream of people were there to eat lunch with him, go to the gym with him, chat with him, spend time with him. A couple people even offered to be the new co-host on Buzzfeed Unsolved. And Ryan was always there to jump up and say yes, let’s do it. Except for the last one.

Unsolved had been dead for 67 days and 13 hours.

It was a mystery to Shane as to why. Ryan had broken up with him, not vice versa, so there should be no issue in replacing him. But every time it was brought up, Ryan’s face went carefully blank, followed by a “Thanks for the offer, but…”

 To be honest, Shane kind of missed the show.

He missed the playful back-and-forth, the comfort, the way Ryan’s laugh always got him going, the shaking of his best friend’s hands at haunted locations that Shane could always soothe away with a distracting joke. It was something that’d grown to be a part of him, before their relationship had gone anywhere beyond platonic.

Even if he couldn’t be the cohost, Shane wished Ryan would make new episodes, if only to be able to watch him laugh again. See his face break into a wide grin in an exact instance that couldn’t quite match up to the one in Shane’s memories.

Shane was just glad he got numbness instead of pain.

The only person who seemed to even notice Shane’s hurting was Sara. She’d been there when he’d first fallen in love, knew him well enough to understand that no, he wasn’t ok, no, this much disassociating was not normal Shane. Oftentimes, on bad days, Sara would simply show up at his apartment, recognizing he was spiraling with that sixth sense of hers. She’d come with some kind of takeout, knowing he wasn’t eating as he should, and put on a romantic comedy that was nothing like anything he and Ryan ever watched together.

There was no way Shane would ever move on. That was simply a fact of life. He lived to hear coworkers’ stories of Ryan. Eavesdropping was an activity he’d drop everything for as soon as his ex-boyfriend’s name was mentioned. Steven would boast loudly to Andrew about the basketball game him and Ryan had last Tuesday. Keith would giggle obnoxiously to Eugene about Ryan’s _face_ in that last video. Zack would discuss with other Zach about how impossible it was him and Ryan were the bottom two in Fantasy Football when _they did Unsolved Sports for god’s sake_.

Shane was just happy to hear about every new time Ryan smiled or frowned. He knew he was missing out, not being able to see each one himself, but this was good enough.

Somehow, somewhere along the way, he lost his right, no longer deserving of the most beautiful man he’d ever met’s love. That’s just how it was. Numbness pulsed deeper into Shane’s heart.

They were so perfect together. Fit together like two cliché puzzle pieces. Fate, soulmates, whatever supernatural thing Ryan believed in, they were _that_. Ryan loved the pain of living, of digging into one another, burrowing beneath the other’s skin, just as much as Shane had.

The Ryan that broke up with him was so different.

His eyes were so cold, uncaring, as he sat them down after wrapping up at a location.

“We can’t go on like this. I’m done. Can you find another ride home?”

Just like that. Gone. Slipped through his fingers like one of those spirits Ryan was always blabbing on about.

Shane wondered if Ryan ever thought about that moment, about how he was doing, how he was feeling. Did it matter?

It seemed like there was no pain. No suffering on Ryan’s end, not that Shane wanted that, would relish it if it existed. All he wanted was for his best friend to be happy. Even if that was somewhere else.

Every so often, Shane wondered what would’ve happened if he’d fought back. If he gave his all into saying no, I’m half of this partnership, and I love you. Stay with me. But he was weak, weak for Ryan, would be on his knees in an instant if that’s what his love wanted. So he said nothing.

Maybe that was what caused the spite in Ryan’s eyes when he looked at him now.

He never said a word to Shane since then, 67 days and 13 hours ago.

That had been the end.

Suddenly, Shane couldn’t control himself.

_(10:21 pm): where are you now_

Fifteen minutes. Twenty. Then three grey dots.

**_(10:43 pm): my apartment_ **

_(10:43 pm): do you ever think of me_

…

**_(10:50 pm): all the time_ **

Shane wanted to stop. His bleeding heart was weeping all over his sheet-covered sofa.

_(10:51 pm): i miss you_

He shouldn’t have sent that. He’d never get over this.

**_(10:53 pm): i miss you too_ **

**_(10:53 pm): come over?_ **

Maybe he wouldn’t have to this time.

\---

two weeks later

\---

Two heads, one dark-haired, one light-haired, stare into a camera. They exchange a soft smile and a small kiss before one begins to speak.

“This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved we investigate the case of…”

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always welcome, I'd love to know what you think <3


End file.
